In my past blog posts I have mentioned a whirlwind romance of lust and infatuation, I have also spoken of a long term relationship. As you may be aware I am now in a new relationship. There was no love at sight, or even a wave of lust, however, I love this man dearly and it was a pleasantly unexpected relationship.
I have always been torn with the idea of being with someone that makes you want to improve yourself. I think Its great If your with someone that pushes you and helps you achieve your goals, but when does it become detrimental? To the point you are improving yourself because you don’t feel good enough to have this person, so you are constantly pushing your own limits to live up to the expectations of what you feel they should have?
I am a person that requires constant reassurance. Reassurance that I am doing something correctly or that I am good enough and that my partner is happy. If I do not get this positive reinforcement I feel I am not good enough, I don’t deserve this person or even what I already have.
I feel myself not deserving anything right now. I’m not sure if this is my negative thinking from my depression, my very own personalised demon speaking to me or if it really is true. I’ve started to get a panicked feeling of expectations and entrapment as my new relationship progresses. I feel like running. Like turning my back on everything and running in the opposite direction as fast as I can or disappear completely, in whichever form this may take.
Its amazing how a place or person can bring back so many memories and emotions. Like a dam that has finally given way and broken down. I have visited such a place and it has brought back so many things I thought I had delt with or buried so deep they would never surface. How wrong I was. I have realised I have just run away from my problems and started over without actually dealing with these issues at all. Now I feel it may be too late, the opportunity has past. If I do finally confront my demons head on, I am scared it may destroy the new life I have built for myself.
Its a decision I can feel weighing me down and one I need to make fast in order to maintain my new relationship and move forward. For if I put this off for too long, I fear it may destroy me from the inside out and destroy my life as I know it.
mendingmarionette 