Ive been thinking a lot lately, is life worth the hassle?
The definition of life is to exist, what if just existing in our modern world today is too hard? And for what? We all have goals and things we aspire to achieve during our existence, I feel I have no obtainable aspirations.
I would love to be happy, find that special someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, just as everyone else does. If the past is any evidence it appears this will never happen for me. With my personality disorder in the mix, it makes relationships…… hard. I don’t want to drag anyone through the mess that is my existence. Its unfair. The alternative, find someone and give it 110%. This in itself can have many negative repercussions on my mental health. I found someone that I love with every fibre of my body, but because of our history together, we will never be together again. I’ve been battling with my will to live for a long time now, almost my whole life and I don’t think I’m worthy.
I’m not worthy of the loyalty and love of friends and family. I’m not worthy of unconditional love, even though its something I give so readily. I feel comfort in fantasizing about taking my own life, ending all the pain, the struggle, the inevitable dissatisfaction and loneliness of my existence. The discomfort? Not having the correct tools to complete this without making a dramatic exit. I will gain and acquire these tools, it might take sometime but there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me, knowing I will go through my life battling with my own mind just for the reward of existing isn’t enough. This is not the life or mind that anyone wants for themselves or someone you care about.
I have struggled with my own mind my whole life and to of heard it from my healthcare professional that its not going to get much easier and it will be a constant struggle, provided me with a morbid clarity that this is not the life I want, but if it is inevitable then when I’m finished ‘existing’ I will be the one to end it. This time will come sooner rather than later. Maybe I’ll stay another couple of months, maybe a year, line everything up for the ones I love so there is minimal inconvenience with my departure, this Is a short time considering how long ones life I meant to last.
mendingmarionette 