I have been feeling better recently, about myself, my depression and my life. The past two weeks has put so much weight on my shoulders that I feel its going to be the undoing of me.
I have a friend that has confided he likes me. He’s considering breaking up with his girlfriend of 1&1/2 years to try and pursue a relationship with me. I am also in a relationship of 7momths. Its not perfect, as no relationship is. Trying to merge 2 lives into 1 can be difficult and adding my depression on top of that can provide that much more of a challenge. He is sweet, thoughtful, always there (however sometimes with his opinion that doesn’t help) we have plenty of laughs with one another and we have great chemistry, which from previous experience I put a lot of emphasis on. BUT there is something missing, I can’t put my finger on it, it maybe for the fact we still have separate groups of friends and I find him unwilling to join my friends and I when there is something on. Whatever it is its making me slightly unhappy.
As for my friend, he’s nice we get along extremely well, however I question the attraction I have for him. We get along very well as friends, however, I don’t think we would work in a relationship and that would be on me. I feel a lack of chemistry or me getting bored due to the lack of an intellectual challenge. This is a responsibility I do not wish to have. I have told him if he is unhappy in his relationship then he needs to look at it and see if it can be worked on or if he would prefer to be single……. exclude me from the equation.
Inconveniently at the same time this was happening, I was becoming increasingly stressed at work. I have had a lot of managerial responsibilities put on me. I always do my best at work and go the extra length for my patients but that was being taken advantage of. My boyfriend and I had a unexpected argument and the pressure was too much. I crumbled. I wanted to end it all, stop screwing up the lives of all the people I care about.
I stormed off and my boyfriend came back approximately an hour later. By then I had already self harmed and was very close to taking my own life. He could sense I was not in a good frame of mind to be on my own, for knowing me this well, I love him. After we sat down and talked we both realised work is the main issue in our relationship. We are both stressed out at work and its wearing us both thin and because of it we are snappy and short tempered with each other. So we’ve both decided to vent to each other about work as things come up, even if we’re still at work. We’ve also agreed to pull away from work slightly and not take on so much that our relationship will be hindered because of it. I have trialled it this past week and it is hard to tell my boss no and leave it at that, especially when she asks for my help. In another week of doing this I guess we’ll see if our relationship repairs itself and we go back to the way things were, or if we actually have another underlying problem we haven’t yet discovered. This is a make or break it time in our relationship, stop allowing work to put unnecessary pressure and strain on our relationship or break up……
On another note: I THINK I have decided to give up smoking cigarettes for my boyfriend. Its not an easy decision to make when its not for yourself and anyone that has ever been a full time smoker will know this. I have always said that only two things will make me quit. 1: My health, or 2: For the person I’m with. I feel for everything he has dome for me I can return the favour. To be completely honest if we end up breaking up in the next month, I would probably take it back up. I don’t know, it sounds a bit uncertain and provided our current relationship possibly the wrong decision to make, however, I wouldn’t feel right if we broke up and I hadn’t tried everything.
We’ll see how things go I guess, a bit of a waiting game. In a few weeks ilk have the answers, at least that’s what I’m telling myself anyway.
Until next time,
Take care.
From waiting
mendingmarionette 