Fact: I am my own worst enemy…..so whats the point?

A new light has shone upon the thing I call my life. I have recently been diagnosed with a personality disorder, Borderline personality disorder to be exact. This is what we refer to as the ‘abandonment’ personality disorder. A little scary to think of myself as having this, but, I guess its a good thing…. if everything followed through. This was meant to mean a different approach to therapy and medications, however, the public health system appears to be taking its sweet time. I broke up with my boyfriend of over a year whom I really do love. I did this so I could get myself and head sorted out….. wrong move. Its hard when battling with something like depression, anxiety and/or a personality disorder to distinguish if you feel a certain way because of these mental health disorders or if a relationship, work, study or just life in general is the underlying cause. I’m beginning to understand that when you suffer from any mental health Disorder we really are our own worst enemies. Its hard to think that there are thoughts we can not control and personally, I’m afraid of those thoughts. For me, these thoughts are extreme and negative, to the point where they don’t even feel like my own.  I can try on a pair of jeans that are a little tight and my mind starts to tell me I’m too fat, I’m disgusting, why did I even eat yesterday when I look like this!? No one will want you, how could you be so foolish to think you are worthy of someones time and energy…. and i believe these thoughts. So much so that it makes me what to end my life on a regular basis. What’s the point? If I dont want to be with myself then how do I expect someone else to want to be with me? I’m not smart enough to make a change to the world, I have no significant other or dependents, so what’s the point? To go get therapy for something I will have to live with my whole life? Constantly battle with my own mind and have no escape? And to do it all by myself. I think im more surprised I’ve lasted this long. With three suicide attempts in the past 2years, its not without trying. Each attempt I’ve been very close at succeeding. Sometimes it feels like the universe is out to get me, a sick joke of boredom to see how far one can be pushed before they break.  some days are different, I have no reason to hate myself but for some reason I do. These days are the hardest, I use drugs to numb out my own mind, increase my mood and try to enjoy each moment as it comes instead of Stressing about the days to come. As I do this though, I lose motivation in my studies and in my work, I still don’t see the point. When you feel you can’t do anything right and when nothing goes right, I fail to see any point of why I exist, why I deserve to be here. I moved away from my home town two years ago to be closer with my family, well, I left my friends behind and now they no longer need me at all, I am just a blip on their radar, insignificant. My brother is now proposing to his girlfriend, buying a house and living the happy life we all dream of, as for my mother, she’s now found herself a boyfriend whom her world revolves around. I don’t know many people in my new town and the Friends I’ve made so far are new, and I’m of little significance to them. I no longer have anything to do with my father or that side of the family at all. I have no relationship or significant other to share a future with or even hope for one day. So what is the point? To live a mediocre life by myself? That Is not the Life I want but fail to see a future where anything else could exist, especially if the past is any evidence for what the future holds. Even if I do manage to be happy or at least content with my life I will, almost without a doubt, screw it up some how and end up exactly where I started again….